1. Number of bags. Picture this with me if you can: You're walking on your campus and lo and behold, a nerd approaches. How do you know it's a nerd? Because he or she has a backpack (a really, really full one, remember?) AND a lunchbox/purse. And not just any lunchbox/purse. This special extra bag will either feature a cartoon/comic book character of some sort, or the owner's name, first and last, in thick, black Sharpie. The nerd projects his inadvertent hipster tendencies (what, you don't own an Optimus Prime lunchbox?) or his fear that someone will try to snatch his lunch out of his hand. He'll be able to spot the criminal because his lunch has his name on it. Thank goodness.
2. Nose to paper proximity. This one is short and sweet. Non-nerds have the ability to sit up straight and write. Nerds have to have their face all up in their work. We're talking inches from their paper.
3. Reading all the time, including inappropriate times. The hallmark of a good nerd is to never be without a book. Their line of thinking goes something like this: Okay, today I have to wake up, have breakfast, go to class, go to work, and then head home to spend some time with the family/roommate/significant other. At what points in time will I need my book? The answer is at all times. If there are two minutes where most people would just zone out and wait, a nerd will whip out their book and venture into their imaginary world. Waiting room? Time to read. Toilet? Time to read. Back row at the funeral? Time to read. It's a way for nerds to avoid social interaction, trust me, I know. Why talk to real people when literary characters are so wonderful? I think Roald Dahl's Matilda would agree with me.
4. Participation in Scouts. Keep in mind folks, I in no way am degrading nerds. I am one! And their association with Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts is purely coincidental. Ish. It's true that most people have been a scout at one point in their life, but the nerds are the ones who stick with it. I received the Girl Scout Gold Award, which is the equivalent of Eagle Scout. And none of the girls who received the award with me were those blond, athletic volleyball players. No ma'am, they were squirrely smart kids who hadn't seen the sun since last summer.
That's all I have for you tonight. I might post a third part to this series, I might not. I'll just keep you on the edge of your seat.
